For several months, I have wrestled with the idea of sharing the
inner workings of my heart. While I am not an extremely private person, I
believe that there are some things that a person should keep to themselves, and
I have often thought that maybe these feelings/thoughts should be kept private.
But the more my heart understands, the more I feel that these lessons
were not meant to hidden. By sharing this personal and emotional journey
of my heart, I am proving to myself and others that "...all things work
for the good of those who love Him..." (Romans 8:28). And finally, I
know that keeping this to myself is no longer an option for no other reason but
that I only sit here with a joyful heart because of the shared experiences of
others. I want to mention that Where's God When It Hurts? by
Philip Yancey is a great book to study if you are struggling with any type of
suffering (physical or emotional).
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| Noah's Shower- 2007 |
On June 4, 2011, Annie, one of my best friends, made her entrance
into heaven. She was a mother of two, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a
cousin, and a true friend. Since 7th grade, I have called her a best
friend, and Annie, Kim, and I never lost touch, always making the effort to see
each other often. I could literally go on for days and days about how
precious she was to everyone who knew her (in fact, I have devoted an entire
blog to remembering all the wonderful things about her), but the fact is, no
matter how much we loved her, she was taken from us in one of the worst ways
imaginable. She died as a result of the actions of another irresponsible
person.
With a heart completely broken in a way I have never experienced
before, my emotions ranged between rage, sorrow, and grief, but after several
months, I was unable to overcome my anger at God. No matter what I had
learned about God or known of Him in the past, I felt that for the first time
in my life, I was dealing with a God I didn't know. I knew God was in
control, and this fact only fueled my anger; in my heart, I felt that
since God was in control, He should have done something to stop this from
happening. I know God is a loving God, but I could not understand how a
loving God could allow a precious mother to be ripped away from her boys,
leaving them to grow up without her in their lives. I refused to find
comfort from a God I questioned, I refused to worship a God who takes away, and
I refused to speak to a God who allowed boys to grow up without a mother.
Even
though my heart was bursting with anger, I didn't want to voice these emotions
for fear that my own doubts and rage would lead others astray. Of course, this only hardened my heart
even more, and at times, life seemed so unbearable. This anger seeped into all aspects of my life, and there
were many days that I found it difficult to get out of bed and face another
day.
I hate to regurgitate meaningless phrases
that are repeated only to have something to say, but in an unexplainable way,
time did allow my heart to begin to heal, each day crying fewer tears and my mind
being less consumed with loss. But
my anger was still present, and on April 8th, I wrote in my journal
“The Lord is all powerful; there is nothing beyond
Him. He has raised from the dead
before. Is it foolish to hope for
this miracle now? Will I only be
disappointed, or is this simply a question of faith?” As I wrote this, I knew how foolish I sounded, but I was
trying to find a balance between faith and reality. I knew God would not bring Annie back, but if this would
never happen, then why did He ask for me to trust Him in all things? I got my answer later that night. The
next day I wrote:
“The
Answer (as I was falling asleep):
It is not foolish, and God does most definitely have that power. BUT God
does not act on my will, and this is why this won’t happen. This all happened according to HIS
will, and He will not undo it.
That would mean He made a mistake, which is impossible. AND He loves her just as much as He
loves me. He would NEVER play
games with her life in order to discipline me.”
Looking
back now, this night was a break-through, the first point that I willingly
allowed God to speak to me, to comfort me since June 2011. I began reading Where's God When It
Hurts? by Philip Yancey, which I had purchased several months
before. On April 21st,
I wrote:
“My
understanding @ this point:
· You didn’t cause this to
happen. You didn’t allow this to happen.
· We live in a world filled
with sin because of human freedom (choice).
· This world does not work in
a way that pleases God (You). The
Bible states that You have placed a “condemned” sign on this planet.
· You hurt to see us
hurt. And You love her and were
happy to see her enter into heaven.
· I don’t need to focus on why
this happened but how I will respond.
Pg. 111- ‘Where is God when it hurts? He is in us—not in the things that hurt- helping to transform bad into
good. We can safely say that God
can bring good out of evil; we cannot say
that God brings about evil in hopes of producing good.’ You did not plan for
this to happen but You knew it would happen.”
Do I understand why Annie left us so early?
Do I see all good that God is working in this situation? No. But I have decided that I will allow
God to make good in me through this.
I will allow my heart, soul, and faith to be strengthened, and I will
personally know of the Loving God I had knew before. I will believe that God is good all the time, through the
good and bad. I will believe that
God is worthy not because of the good things He does but simply because of Who
He is.
And as of July 1, 2012, I see that there is most
definitely good in the world. Baby
Belue was not a part of our plan, but BB is a part of an even better plan, orchestrated
by a Loving and All-Knowing God.
There couldn’t be a more wonderful thought than knowing you were God’s
plan! God is Love. I see God’s love in this baby growing in
my womb and in the love of my family and friends. I am excited about this good
news! God is developing us into
parents, who will guide our child towards the good in this world. And I can truly believe, no matter the
sin and evil in this world, that "...all things work for the good of those
who love Him..." (Romans 8:28).
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, bless
the Lord!
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